Lilac Wine :: a warzone towards haiku

November 5, 2010

Failure

Filed under: Text — Tags: , — Lilac @ 12:42 pm

Though I half-wish she wouldn’t, Lilac Wine gets tangled up with the continuum of everyday imperfections. I kept her strong, inhabited only with the best of myself, as long as I was able. This is when I failed: winding a 10′ length of bamboo silk rope.

You have never failed me, Hades always says, should I doubt myself as he peels the leather collar away. It was immensely comforting to know that if I failed at some task, it was enough to have given the extent of myself.

This time he shows me how to wind his rope and I attempt it, missing some element of the winding; he unravels the rope and throws it down to re-tie. Again, and again. Each time I still the shaking and keep stone in my countenance. I am here to learn, but I want affection so badly. But I don’t need affection and love; I am training. My ego is getting in the way. Just work. Even stripped of ego my last attempt is clumsy and crooked and I throw it on the ground, infuriated at my thick hands and poor memory.

With something like horror I pick up and offer the rope bundle. Hades unlocks and removes my collar. This time he says, simply, Thank you for trying.

I am disgusted at my disgust at failing at a submissive dynamic. How messy.

Next evening I wind his rope carefully and correctly. I try to earn redemption on a timescale longer than the scene; out of respect for the dynamic & the energy Hades put into teaching me; and in service to some higher purpose (leather with a capital L?)

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