Lilac Wine :: a warzone towards haiku

December 15, 2010

Stew’d in corruption

Filed under: Text — Tags: , — Lilac @ 12:03 am

Healing ought not imply altering to fit a norm. I am healed by being whole, integrating the insights & strengths I gained through abuse. They’ll always be part of my psyche. My sexuality reflects what I’ve seen, gazing into the abyss, in the rank sweat of an enseamed bed beneath a man three times my age.

What is it about trauma and sexuality? We learn the power of want. We learn to separate sex from its connotations, action from reaction, experience from meaning. We learn this world of desire exists outside all laws and the optimistic social contract. We see men risk jail for us. It’s not about sex, they say. It’s about power. We learn that sex can be about power.

We grow up reclaiming our sexuality. We tap into this power. If they don’t play by the rules, if desire is stronger than the rules…

I allow this to be part of myself and my sexuality, though wielded with kindness instead of abuse. I use the strengths I’ve learned: endurance, understanding, deconstruction.

And it is validating to see, consensually expressed in kink, the kind of sick greed and power a man once indulged upon me. Though I like to be challenged and learn, I linger in situations I’ve grown the tools to handle, for I am stronger there. I can develop other tools but it takes time, energy. Do I want to invest the work?

I’m aware I learned some fucked up lessons, but I try to harm none.

I get off on callous disregard, sadism (receiving), ageplay. To quote The Suicide Kings, The only way that I can be more than the sum of what has been done to me is to do it all again to myself.


1 Comment »

  1. When I first learned of how you made the decision to forgive, I was stunned by the wisdom of it, and when you told me about how you obtained evidence at such a young age with no support from officials I was impressed by your strength. Reading this, I am primarily filled with gratitude for the trust you have so thoughtfully given.

    Comment by Fistandantilus — December 15, 2010 @ 8:29 am

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