Lilac Wine :: a warzone towards haiku

January 14, 2012

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Filed under: Text — Tags: — Lilac @ 10:45 pm

I arrayed candles in the Chanukah menorah; twenty years later my man lights candles upon our table. We are always seeking light and song and company. We rival gravity and scarcity to pull this warmth into ourselves, and to send our own lights into the vast night.

Six months we spent taking a bare plot of land to a semi-habitable space. The country was as dark and quiet as I’d once imagined death to be. Orion rose over the hills to guard our truck, later our tent, later our 10′ x 10′ shed. The kitten hunted lizards and learned to kill. We planted trees and installed propane, a well pump, a barn, a driveway. I worked ’til I was pouring sweat and ravenous for meat. Many days I cried with loneliness, missing the soundscape of the city. Many moments were made simply of magic, my man’s arms about me as we stood in a meadow dizzy with yellow madia and yawning wheat. Wildflowers bloomed and died in succession as summer passed; the oaks lost their crowns of jagged leaves and became witchy silhouettes before the winter sky.

I feel a caveman wonder at civilization now. Six months without an indoor water tap, most of it without electricity: now I have an apartment with dozens of outlets, all able to thread electrons through our wires, inexhaustible. The taps offer water instantaneously. In the stores nearby I can find anything. I spent the first day back gaping, giddy, reverse culture-shocked. I think I know what wealth we have now.

There have been hard times. Desperate, painful times that cut me down to nothing; I’ve written of finding oblivion in BDSM, but that is a darkness laid upon a safety, and this was a darkness laid upon nothing. I gazed into the abyss and cannot forget it. That abyss lurks now behind everything I hear and do, but I am hopeful that that haunt will recede and let me wholeheartedly re-join society. I have a new job I’m very excited about. I can buy guava nectar and take baths and coordinate blue-koi pillows with blue-coral pillows. Our new apartment is simply arranged, but it’s so much contrasted with the bare land it once was; such an intensive gathering of resources. I’ve always known that academically, but now I know it.

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1 Comment »

  1. It is good to recognize gravity and the inner sun at once. Congratulations.

    Comment by Solitary Druid — January 15, 2012 @ 4:15 pm


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