Lilac Wine :: a warzone towards haiku

October 7, 2010

Sensory Deprivation

Filed under: Text — Tags: — Lilac @ 1:02 pm

Although I like restraint, I learnt total helplessness under sensory deprivation is terrifying. I was wrapped and sequestered, laid down and left until I felt like a ghost; unreal until your hands touched my skin again. Then I clung to you like a little girl, hating myself.
In bondage I can react: fight, glare, struggle to remain in grace as my lover/s work. Take away everything and ask me not to speak, and I may as well be gone. Ever read Johnny Got His Gun? It’s like that. Your last recourse is to whimper.

I was scared this scene had broken me by rewinding time to a childhood where my preferences, emotions and thoughts had no impact. There was an amazing sense of inhibition, just like the childhood mindset I’d spent years fighting my way out of, and I didn’t want to get stuck there again.

I recollected how I’d once fought free, and did it again: listened to my instincts and honored them. What did you get out of the experience? he asks. I retraced old paths, brother, and found that they are fixed in trust and intuition, not in space. If they’re re-writ nightly, I’ll always wake up with a compass.

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